Stockholm

I've been working like crazy for the past couple of weeks, but it's only a temp job, so I'm sure it won't be too much longer. I just wanted to mention that the sun sets in Stockholm around 3:30 in the afternoon now.

This is a Title of a Post I'm Writing

What's up, all you internet revelers? After a nice, seven month cold shoulder to this dumb blog that I hate and love, I decided to come back and bother my Facebook friends with NSFW posts once again! I was rereading old posts (including the drafts that you can't see), and I decided that I am funny enough to be on the internet after all.

Me irl

As all of us are here on the web, I am an avid opinion-maker. You may note that when you read past posts such as "Marriage is Gay" and "College is Gay." Okay, that's not what I called them originally, but that is the general gist of things.

Something I've noticed about bothering liberals and conservatives via Facebook is that I don't look the part of the 'troll' many of you have come to love. Or hate, whatever. I like trolls, honestly. If done right, the troll approach is the funniest way to approach people who don't have the same opinions as you. And since I don't look like a troll, people treat me differently. When I tell some dude that calls me 'cute, but I like women, not girls' to reconsider and 'one day fuck my ass.' he becomes very confused.

He was arguing with me about liberals or something (like I care, right? Pssht) and very obviously didn't like my opinions, but as soon as I got bored and started saying witty things like the aforementioned quote, he added me as a friend. I laughed really hard and clicked 'ignore.' Dude, you don't even know how truly awful I am as a person.

I didn't screenshot like a smart troll, but I did save the transcript. It's unreadable, but someday I'll fix it up nice for you hungry readers, and you'll have a good laugh at the expense of some well-meaning conservatives who didn't know what hit them.

Here's a little preview for you curious cats. I took off the last names of everybody except for myself, so if I make you angry at any point, you can find me on Facebook and tell me that I am the worst of the worst.

TRANSCRIPT

Emerson: I don't deserve the time of day? Christ, my modeling contract tells me otherwise, I'm sure you wouldn't take your eyes off me irl. Yeah, I started out in a community college cause I was a fuck up in high school(and still graduated with straight Bs). Now you resort to and ad hominem fallacy and are still wrong!!

Brandon: free 2 Girls 1 Cup Guy

Alexis Esteb: WHAT ABOUT NORWEIGIA????!

Jen: Insults, Alexis? *tut* I'm so disappointed. You were off to a good start.
NOW do you see where cartoons like this come from?
How old ARE you???

Alexis Esteb: No dude, I mean me.

David: free Mr Hands

Emerson: If you named one I'd say "wow maybe the whole right wing ideology isn't so bad". I promise. I would. Too bad they don't exist.

Alexis Esteb: AD HOMINEM FALLACY! MAGNA CARTA!

Alexis Esteb: TUT TUT! I AM THREE YEARS OLD

Nick: I love the internet.

Alexis Esteb: Too bad, huh. The ideology of [party] is stupid and I hate it. I am the most important of all the importants.

David: lol "my modeling contract"

Emerson: Hell your kind of cute, I'd give you the time of day if you'd read a goddamn book and work on your comprehension skills. I like women not little girls.

So, there's a snippet of my encounter with Emerson and some lady named Jen. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! No, really, you'll have to wait. I'll get it up soon, though.

Oh, darn. I almost forgot that I have a wedding to attend today. Did you guys know that I don't like weddings? Eh, probably not. I don't just go telling everybody that.

In conclusion, I am back for a while. Here's a picture of two grasshoppers having public sex. Have a nice day!

Skipping Rungs on the Corporate Ladder

Spam bots, did you think I left you forever? Nope! Just lazy. Really lazy. I leave coffee mugs in the bathroom sometimes, and that's where they stay for about two weeks until I get so disgusted with myself that I have to go clean something. So, of course I'm going to tell you about my problems with jobs and corporate ladders and whatnot, but I'm also going to show you a day in the life of this sad sack.

Today, I'm going to be waiting for a phone call. Hell, it might not even come, but I was made aware that if they were to call, it would be this Friday. I interviewed for a temporary job this Monday, and all went really well. I got all 'very good' check marks in the far left column. But there were no openings that day. She said that I should wait until Friday, so I did. It's the day that's that day, and now I have to lay in anguish waiting for something that might not even happen.

I'll be drinking a fuck-ton of coffee, being inexplicably cold, and doing more west coast apartment-searching to keep me from blowing up something to pass the time.

Oh! And here's a side note. Last weekend, I went to a comedy club with free tickets, hoping at least for someone to bomb (uh-oh, looks like some government officials will be reading this for content!), but no, they weren't bad. They told jokes about their wives and how they couldn't get any ass before that, and they went mainstream, and I drank some MGDs. Fucking two-drink minimum. Beer was cheaper than bottled water.

Maybe more about that later.

Have you ever gotten a job that you weren't really qualified for? I definitely haven't. I read all these stories about people who absently apply for something far above their heads and end up walking out with a $17/hr job with fucking benefits. I search for months and still have to jump through hoops to get a seasonal stocking job at Burlington Coat Factory.

When I lived briefly in Arkansas, I couldn't find work. None. Not even a night job at the Kum-n-Go gas station. Granted, they wanted me to fill out an IQ test that would've taken 35-45 minutes that I didn't do, but come on, Arkansas. I'm not a bad character. I could stand at a cash register for a few hours. I have, actually.


Am I a terrible person for not wanting a job? Can't I somehow skip that part and just get the money? Is it wrong to grow up and get older and realize that you don't want a career or a husband or a pair of kids that eat at your savings only to grow up and call you a bitch for wanting them to be cool for once? Well, that's what I want. I know my parents aren't happy that I quit college and don't want to make babies, but tough shit.

I spend most of my time sitting at home in my room by myself in the dark, trying to figure out how I can make money without really doing anything, and so far, I have figured out things I want to do after we move to the coast. What can I do in suburban Indianapolis besides wait until I can leave? This place sucks. Waiting for this call also sucks. I'm going to wrap this up before I start depressing anyone. Later, internet folk!

Alston the Facebook Racist

Would You Save Humanity?

Photo by: Abbie Rowe

Two days after Valentine's Day, we joke that we'll all know what young couples have been up to nine months from now after their romantic rendezvous. You might've had a drink or two and a romantic seafood dinner, and maybe you were a bit tipsy when you came back to your apartment, feeling the effects of love: the fulfilling dopamine that makes you want to latch onto your lover and the oxytocin that commands to never ever let go.

As far as doing jobs to the maximum, these chemicals are number one. "Love" chemicals (sorry to say) are the main reason young couples fall in love and make babies in the first place. If you didn't feel some invisible drive to put your thing inside of that thing, you probably would never want to touch it. The human sex organs are pretty unpleasant to look at, so thank goodness something was driving you toward procreation because otherwise, you might have never been inclined to do it.

The 'love' chemicals are something to think about if you're getting angry right now. Much of life is not based on invisible forces that simply draw you to your soul mate. but instead, you are alive primarily to procreate, as much as any bacteria or annoying bug or cute animal. That is your prime directive. Sounds like a pretty boring existence to me, but then again, something about the human race as a whole creeps me out.

Photo by: Reuters

Imagine a single species on some other distant planet or moon, say Titan, one of Saturn's moons. They are strange, not really biologically comparable to humans, but they have managed in only a few short centuries to rise to the top of their food chain. They dominate the moon. They are by far not the most populous, but their intellect if far greater than anything else on Titan. They live and interact and enjoy their existence as self-aware beings with feelings and opinions.

But imagine how they rose to the top. Imagine they we some sort of parasitic beasts, and though not necessarily directly harmful to the touch, they used everything around them to rise to the top. They use flesh from lower creatures as food and fuel. They harvest material produced by creatures who make their own food to build houses. These dominant creatures are the strongest only because of their vast intellect, but they continue to deplete resources on Titan. They enact initiatives to replenish the moon with some of the resources they have taken, but the colonies have become too large to make a strong impact. They continue to reproduce and spread across the moon's surface until they have taken up all the space they can.

The moon by this time is a shell of its former self. It can no longer sustain its original function as a home for many species. The dominant species has crowded out all other life. They begin to look at other planets and moons, comparing their own with new ones, hoping to find a new home for their species. If they develop the technology to spread to other planets before learning to control themselves, they will continue to deplete new locations of their resources until they are spreading too quickly to find new homes. They overcrowd previous planets. They feel the pain of being unable to spread out and find themselves in a bind.

These creatures were doing what their species intended as a whole. They kept from becoming extinct. But at what cost?

Photo by: A. ARRIZURIETA

By now, you could probably see the parallels between the Titanians and Earthlings. But how could we be like them? In this instance, we see why having a governing body outside of ourselves is so important in justifying the existence of humans. Surely we must have some purpose!

Even if there is a purpose for the human race, the rate of reproduction is vastly larger than our ability to take care of the planet. We as a people either consume too much and become obese, or too little and starve to death. If there is some sort of governing celestial body, shouldn't it be inclined to provide equal resources to all of its creations?

The human race spreads like a virus across Earth. And before we turn to our moon or Mars for colonies, we should first take a look at ourselves and ask, "If we saw another species on another planet like ours, would we advocate the move to a new planet?" And if nuclear war overtook Earth some day in the potentially near future, would you want to help repopulate the Earth? Would you want your race to continue to ravage its home simply because it is the superior race?

Well, I wouldn't. This species is doomed for failure unless we become somehow enlightened that, because of our superior intellect, we could spread through the universe with good intent instead of simply a need to consume. Would you save humanity?

There Aren't Enough Pictures on this Blog!

People these days really like pictures. A stupid amount of pictures, actually. So, in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm rolling out the cutest pictures I have, just for you, reader! So, sit back and let your brain take some time off from thinky time while you drool and titter at some word pictures.

Are you in the mood for Valentine's Day? Golly gee, Becky Sue, I hope so! Stay tuned for more uplifting photos after this break!

Astrology: 2/8/2013

Your Horoscope for February 8th, 2013

Aries: That girl's boobs are not definitely better-looking than yours. Don't let the stares get in your way as you club your heart out. She is hollow inside.

Taurus: Have the balls of a bull today, Taurus. You can't allow yourself to forget who you really are: a woman trapped in a brony's body! Don't let yourself forget that!

Gemini: I usually date guys that are Geminis. So do other girls. Your boyfriend is cheating on you today. Go crazy. Hire Cheaters and then go on a Blind Date like that old TV show.

Cancer: Nobody knows better than you about your 'secret spot.' You won't believe it when a lover finds that spot and brutalizes it! Brutalize him back, and brutalize him good! It will improve your mood.

Leo: Today, you will find that a certain family member has been gossiping about you behind your back. She told Aunt Beth that you think that she is never going to find a husband, but really you didn't say that at all. You were talking about yourself! It's not fair. Kill them both.

Virgo: When you wake up, you'll feel this insane urge to get Jupiter out of your life. But too bad. It's there forever. Start a long journey to finish Carl Sagan's work in radio-contact with alien lifeforms. It will pay off.

Libra: Let the playfulness of your inner kitten come out! You have a prime directive. Now use it!

Scorpio: Beware of tomorrow. It will be different than today. Don't let tomorrow change how you see today. Keep eating and sleeping your life away. You pathetic slug.

Sagittarius: A new pimple? Ugh. How dare natural life take its course on your precious face? How could God let this happen? Today you will lose faith in a major force.

Capricorn: To Hell with it. You can't win them all. Remember that as you lose the fight against some guy on the street in Montana. What's his name? Oh, yeah. John Mayer. He's stronger than he looks.

Aquarius: A special guy has been looking at you in the hallways at high school. Now he's in your hallway at your house and won't move. It's kind of creepy. Let him talk, but don't let him walk.

Pisces: You won't regret becoming a nun today. If your sister thinks it's stupid, tell the FBI that she is a co-conspirator to 9/11. Never mind that she was only seven when it happened. They won't care.