Failure McFailsalot (and It Works)

Nah, it's cool. Nobody even reads this thing, so I didn't fail at all! So, it's next year. Didn't realize I avoided this thing for a year, but here we are and I am doing jack shit with my life. I'm thinking of cool things I could do, but then I come home and play Minecraft until I go to sleep, and another day is lost.

Even now that I've got a normal-dude nine-to-five job (still in retail god damn it), and I don't even work the fucking weekends, I'm still blowing all my opportunities to success. I don't have any motivation and I am lame and lazy and whatever. But hey, here I am writing a blog post, trying to busy myself while my beer defrosts.

So, I didn't actually have a purpose when I started writing this, but when I looked through my pointless photo library (mostly screenshots of scary creepy stuff that has no context), I saw Mr. Doctor Don over here with his wacky bullshit and marketing scams and pyramid schemes and I knew I had my man.

Mister Doctor Don is the man behind the annoying woman on your Facebook or at your place of employment who constantly pimps out her "side business" and asks you if you've got any problem areas you'd like to address. *Wink wink nudge nudge* *Honey we all see those love handles in those Abercrombies* *Your arms swing like elephant ears when you scan my chocolate bar*

If you haven't heard of the It Works product line, aren't you lucky? I think I'm up to three ladies on Facebook alone that sell this glorified plastic wrap. Every day they try to sell me and their friends products. Free product advertising, and people all over the place doing Mister Doctor Don's work. All he has to do is come to the occasional meeting. "Yep, those are charts! Keep selling! God loves ya!"

The It Works system is basically this: put this wrap on your body, wait, and take it off. Get immediate results (usually. And if you don't, you're doing it wrong), but you have to keep doing it to keep the results. It, from what I can understand, not being in the industry and all, basically sucks out water weight. Your bloat is usually something that can go down on its own if you didn't eat like a piece of garbage, but you're lazy and miracle products are just so easy.

So you've got like three more friends that joined the cult since I started writing this post three days ago because I can't concentrate enough to write something in a day. They post the same thing every day. "I love my job!" In hash tags, of course. They love their jobs because they haven't had a job outside of running a fucking cash register and being told when they're allowed to pee.

It seems that Mister Doctor Don has found a wonderfully stupid grift in the system and he's exploiting the hell out of it. And that's fine. Stupid people are the easiest kind of people to get money from. Take note: they're not making Hardee's (Carl's Jr, you liberal west coast fucks) commercials for Mister Lab Coat. Tits and ass and big, wet burgers are not necessarily the appeal to NASA. But bum-fuck rednecks polishing their guns at their kitchen table with the TV turned on are going to look up when they hear a sex-fueled guitar riff in the middle of their NCIS. "Hey, Sharon! Let's get some Hardee's!"

If you were offended by this article please send me a comment and start it out with "Listen here, bitch. It Works is TOTALLY not a pyramid scheme." You got people above you making money when you sell something? You make money when someone below you sells something? Pyramid scheme.