Your Horoscope for February 5th, 2013
Aries: You will see much of the world today, even if it is only from a tiny barred window. Perhaps, you may even see one breast. But watch out for Uranus! For today and tomorrow, it is in the Big Dipper. And that is the most dangerous of all.
Taurus: There will be much to quarrel about today. You will be on your period or your man period, and the thought of taking out the garbage will have you trying to shove it all into the garbage disposal. Even those big, cumbersome beer bottles from last night.
Gemini: This is your boyfriend's sign. Read it only when you think he's cheating on you. There may be evidence to support this.
Cancer: The realm of the Zodiac warns this sign that you will see the words "grand penis" two more times today. How grand is this grand penis? The world may never know.
Leo: If you don't see a rabbit this morning, you are going to be screwed out of any semblance of a good day. If you do, you need to check that it's a boy before you jump to action. Just in case.
Virgo: Good news! People still think that Virgo is the Virgin. Go nuts. And I mean nuts.
Libra: While you were out, your young animal you just adopted from the forest shit all over the carpet. Your wife told you to put him in the cage, but no, you had to feel bad for him. Have fun cleaning that up, because it's not your wife's responsibility now.
Scorpio: You're the only one who noticed the problem in the reactor core of the nuclear plant you toured yesterday. If you tell anyone, you won't be able to go to Red Lobster because you'll be too busy. Make time for yourself.
Sagittarius: No, no, everybody doesn't think you're insane. Just keep shooting those arrows are kittens for the sake of the greater good. Somebody out there understands you. Your job is to find them. Your life may depend on it.
Capricorn: If you dream of toilets trying to kiss you while other toilets pin you down to your bed, you might want to take it easy today. Your dream is trying to tell you something.
Aquarius: This is your lucky day. Don't waste it, and don't be disappointed if it's not that great. You have now set your standards for what your personal good day is like. Enjoy the disappointment. Others will.
Pisces: What happens if you can't find your car keys tonight? You'll miss the ballet and your girlfriend will be upset. You'll spnd the night alone and you won't find anything good on television.