Was that not obvious before? Well, after this long-winded argument against weddings and marriage in general, you'll never have to wonder which side of the fence I'm on.
It didn't take me long to find some terrible wedding photos, since they're everywhere, but what I have here I took from
TackyWeddings.com, a lovely website that reminds you to stay single and away from redneck weddings. Or all weddings, really.
Story time! Once, I went to a friend's cousin's wedding in my old hometown of Fairland, Indiana. It's a small town of only about 1500 folks who spend a lot of their lives never leaving. So it's only natural that someone would be getting married at nineteen, right after high school. That's part of small-town living. You grab onto the first nice boy/girl before they get a chance to see the rest of the world so that, if they leave, they feel compelled to come back to you. Or you love each other, whatever. This wedding was held at a pretty cottage house/farm where one of them lived, I think, and the ceremony/reception all took place in a barn.
This barn had crepe paper and sheets of colored paper haphazardly covering the ladders and the farm machines, and if you ignored the walls and the location, the rest of it could be considered as decently decorated. There was much pre-wedding food and music to be had, but as the friend to the soon-to-be-married cousin, I had to visit the bride and groom before they got to see each other. My friend wanted to check on her cousin, the groom, who was sitting in the first floor living room with all his dude friends, and holy Hell; the room smelled like forty percent sweat. It was horrifying to think that this one day could put so much fear into someone. He looked practically horrified. But he did propose, so I couldn't really feel sorry for the guy.
The bride was upstairs in a tiny bedroom with like fifteen women surrounding her. The amount of perfume needed to cover up the scent was apparently bucket-loads, since of course, ladies don't sweat. But, of course, my friend is a lover of all things wedding, so we lingered longer than I needed to.
When we finally went outside, I sat at a table (which was also the seating to view the ceremony, which meant that some people had to turn around to watch them get hitched) and waited for things to begin. It took forever. Maybe like two more hours. We even went back to the car and listened to music to pass the time. But when things finally began, the real magic started happening.
The groom entered through the open garage door, and the crowd hushed to silence while a Rascal Flatts song played through the attached speakers of a laptop. Somebody was arguing about whether or not the music should be on when the bride came in, which didn't happen until ten minutes later. It was long enough for the groom and his sweat parade to stink up the place. When the bride finally came, we could hear the shuffling outside the garage door, which had returned to a closed position so she could make a proper, 'grand' entrance.
Whoever was running the music had decided to leave the song on (the same song), but midway down the aisle, the song cut off. So the bride walked the rest of the way in silence. The song kept being turned back on and off, as if two kids were pressing buttons and fighting over the music. That eventually stopped and the wedding proceeded as weddings are want to do.
Look, I get it. You're in love. I'm not saying that all weddings are terrible. But they are pointless. If you need a lavish ceremony to keep some girl or guy from running off, there's really no chance that it's going to last long enough for them to learn to love you. It just doesn't work that way anymore.
And if you need a wedding to celebrate your love, you're wasting money and time. Unless you're rich out your ass. Then knock yourself out. But, for those who can't really afford an expensive dress or giant cake, why spend that extra money when you could put it towards something awesome, like a vacation or an awesome espresso machine or whatever it is people like now? That sounds so much more fun than having all your worst relatives kiss you and worrying about people smoking too close to the kids' play area or worrying that your dress will get torn or your bride will run away.
Or is it that you want to put on a show for everybody? Everybody, look at us, we're happy! We're doing great and you need to see this in order for me to truly be happy in a relationship. Or is it that you haven't been brought up any other way? You need to think that you're going to have a Disney happy ending where you get married and all is well forever. Well, it's not going to be like that. Stop assuming things will get better if you could just get married.
Because I am a studious and fantastic blogger with absolutely nothing else to do, I did some cost research and found out how much money people are blowing on this wedding junk.
Flowers:
$698
Dress:
$1,100
Cake:
$5.60 per slice ($200-500)
Marriage license:
$15-80
Photographer:
$2980
Tuxedo: $100 (because I just know)
As you can see, it's already adding up. And it just keeps getting more expensive. Venue, decorations, potential honeymoon? Ouch. No money left for yourselves. I'm proposing a different approach.
To compare, I've thought about Brandon, the dude I live with and am happily in love with. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend, but we're together. It's difficult to explain, but it works for us. We don't talk about the future or force each other into things. We can talk about anything, and both of us know each other's weird histories and what we want out of life at the moment. And that's all. We don't need more from each other. We spend more time together than anyone I've ever been with, and it never gets old.
In contrast, I was with someone before him who really wanted to get married. It was all he talked about when we talked about the future. He even told me he was going to propose to me. And my whole life I'd spent fighting the issue and disagreeing with people who said I'd change my mind. But I was going to compromise myself for this guy. Thank heavens he broke up with me the day after Christmas. And now I realize how unhappy I would have been. Stuck in Indianapolis or somewhere nearby because he couldn't part from his family as a wife and probably mother to some hipster who didn't really have his head on right.
I don't like marriage. I've never liked it. I've never daydreamed about it or wondered where I would go on my honeymoon or made a pretend guest list. And now, I'll never have to worry about my guests doing the
Thriller routine on the dance floor and posting it on Youtube.
