And so, you feel like you'd rather have some kind of terminal disease just because living feels too complicated because you think that your existence has become too tainted by the mistakes you have made.
You don't want to be known by the things you've accidentally done to others, but it comes to be eventually that those moments are the way people really do remember you, as you retreat in shame and make those memories a much larger piece of the pie chart graph of connections between the two of you. The idea of talking to this person is marred by the fear that their reception of you is tainted by your actions. And even if you think about how self-centered people are, and how you wouldn't let others be represented by the mistakes they have made, you worry that others still will.
Being this exact kind of person, I find myself in a very painful situation with my life. I have burned bridges, thrown stones, and ignored friendships past the point of repair, simply because I am continually ashamed of my actions/inactions and cannot bring myself to experience reality as it exists, and not the way it seems to in my mind.
Moving to a new place always quells my anxiety for a while. It allows me to be a new person, to start over with people who do not know my mistakes. They see me as this person I would always like to be: uncompromising, quietly peaceful, and kind. Maybe funny, too. I always want people to laugh.
But then, I make a mistake. It haunts me. I remember every mistake from before kindergarten to yesterday, and they completely take over my life. I recall being at my brother's birthday party when I was 6 and he was 4, and he got a Playstation from my grandparents. I, having just learned the value of money, was excited to tell him to take care of it because it cost "some amount of dollars." And the whole room (and at that time, my whole world) laughed at me. I still feel shame from those (practically meaningless) encounters.
Why? I don't know, Maybe I need to speak to a therapist. But for now, every mistake goes right back to my head, filling up this internal quota I hope I never reach. Every mistake I make comes across to me as a failure, and one that can never be fixed, since there's no way to go back in time and right the wrongs.
They say "time heals all wounds" but I have yet to experience the healing of my past indiscretions. Maybe it's not time that heals, but the person. Maybe the person is supposed to somehow let go of their mistakes, or accept them and move on, but I have no idea how to do that. It's very easy to tell someone to let go, but it's hard to be the one who has to do it.
I've been following this blog of yours since it started, and I get the impression that you're a very sensitive soul. I don't mean that in a negative way, nor do I necessarily mean that your feelings get hurt easily. Rather, you tend to feel and perceive things on a deeper, more meaningful level than most. Not only is it reflected in your words, your introspection, but in your photography as well, in which you're able to capture these brilliant moments that the general populace wouldn't even know existed if it weren't for artists like you. I hope you find joy, pride, and confidence in those aspects of yourself because they are highly desirable qualities in a person, especially as you get older.
ReplyDeleteBeing a sensitive soul can be a double-edged sword at times, though. While it allows us to see, feel, and experience life on a level that most don't get to (while also being the source of artistic creativity that we crave) it can also be the very thing that holds us back in life. Sometimes we just think too damn much about things before doing them and thus talk our selves out of doing those things. Or we let anxiety and fear take hold and subsequently paralyze us (usually a result of thinking too damn much.) "Normalcy" becomes this thing we both desire and fear at the same time. Desire because it can be dark, painful, and lonely when you think that no one else sees the things you see. Fear because you don't want to lose the inspiration that the "darkness" brings, or simply because you don't want to become one of the mindless sheep who appear to be asleep on their feet all day.
It can be a very difficult path to walk in life, trying to maintain a balance between allowing yourself to feel joy and confidence while not losing your sense of self nor your deeper perception of things. You've made it this far, though, and you appear to have a very strong head on your shoulders, at least judging from your posts here. And unlike most folks, at least you're able to be objective about yourself. Most people walk through life completely oblivious to their faults and shortcomings and thus no desire whatsoever to try and better themselves.
Anyhow, not sure why I decided to wait until now to respond to one of your posts. I suppose I just saw a little bit of myself in this entry of yours and couldn't resist chiming in to let you know that you're not alone and to encourage you to keep going, keep questioning and feeling and thinking. Learn from your mistakes and keep going from there, because life doesn't always have to start over just because we slipped up a few times. And most importantly, remember that no matter how hard we try, we can't run away from ourselves. Sooner or later we have to confront our inner demons and tell them to fuck the fuck off.
Hope you don't mind the lengthy reply, and I hope the day finds you in good spirits.
Thank you so much! I appreciate that you took the time to stop and tell me this, and it really made my day. And thank you for your compliments, and your advice, as well.
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