The Great Escape

Well, I don't want to make every update an event, but I do them so far and few between that it always feels like starting a new post is a new obstacle overcome! So, whatever. Welcome back, imaginary followers!

I am hanging out before work, listening to music and wondering why there aren't more jewel-toned blue things on Pinterest. Color of the year is rose quartz, but I predict that this color will be pretty popular by the end of the year. That and southwestern style. It's time for all that junk to come back in.

But anyway, I'm sipping on some cheap, drip-brewed coffee out of a matte Volvo mug and trying not to think about how every second brings me closer to going to work, wondering if this is going to be my life now. Wondering if I'll ever break out of this creative dry spell I've been wallowing in for the past few years. Wondering if I like things enough anymore.

I'm not in a depressive state. At least, I don't think so. I'm just drained. I've focused every bit of energy into this job of mine, pushing myself to get promoted and challenged, and taking on extra things still doesn't help. I'm a leader in my job, but not in my own life. How pathetic, yes?

I've been out exploring more. I thought it might help. But it might've just made me more cranky about how many people there are out there, just bumping into each other, not really doing anything except for absorbing things and soaking up content.

Then, it really made me think about how afraid I am of the fact that I'm just nobody special. Not destined for greatness, or capable of achieving anything I want, or able to become something more than just a happy follower. If everyone started running in one direction, would I just start running? I don't know that I would want that. Whatever's coming, I'd like to know.

Well, this is just mindless rambling, really. I've really got to figure out how to focus this energy on something besides desire to drink and watch Always Sunny and Roseanne reruns. Reruns? Really? Why do I need to spend every night doing that? Ugh.

I think I've been unintentionally doing everything people want me to, without really being conscious of what I want. I don't even know what I want anymore. I envy the biking backpackers that drift through town, and I envy the people who make lots of money on social media just by taking pictures of stuff. How do people just pick one passion and roll with that forever and ever? How do you keep the motivation to just do one thing? I obviously cannot do it.

But, like, I mean the previous statement about just doing what people want me to do. When I first started working with the company I'm at, I was a seasonal employee. Just needed a job. And then, management liked what they saw. They almost began grooming me to get promoted. When I tried to quit, they did promote me and gave me the biggest pay raise I'd ever seen. I was in my very early 20s and I was already making more than my parents. College dropout with a specialist job. Wow for me?

Unrelated picture

And then, the upper-most manager I worked with entered me into a unique management-training opportunity, where I trained to learn how to manage people and keep books and stuff like that. Wow, again? People see things in me! I'm doing so well. So I thought about management.  I thought about more money. I thought about how great it would be to get out of my sales position, since I hate sales. So I started applying for positions and forcing myself to do interviews over and over, even though people kept telling me that I couldn't be in management since I had no experience.

I subjected myself to that until I got the job. And now I have the job. I have more responsibility. I'm making it work. I hate retail, and I hate people, but somehow, I'm making it work. And my upper-most manager of the new place I work has come to me now, giving me a very similar speech about moving up. And I recoil at the thought of taking on more responsibility. But I don't recoil at a salary position. I don't recoil at the fact that the company will help pay for moving expenses if you take a position in a new state.

Money really does talk. But here's my dilemma. Do I continue to move up in this retail big box company, or do I dial it back and focus on my own interests? How long do I have before I won't be able to disentangle myself from this work thing? When do I say, enough is enough, or do I keep letting money rule my life? I need money. I really do. To live comfortably, I definitely need money.

But how much do I need?

I just want to run away from all the responsibilities and have a fun, well-traveled, artsy life. SOS