Alston the Facebook Racist

Would You Save Humanity?

Photo by: Abbie Rowe

Two days after Valentine's Day, we joke that we'll all know what young couples have been up to nine months from now after their romantic rendezvous. You might've had a drink or two and a romantic seafood dinner, and maybe you were a bit tipsy when you came back to your apartment, feeling the effects of love: the fulfilling dopamine that makes you want to latch onto your lover and the oxytocin that commands to never ever let go.

As far as doing jobs to the maximum, these chemicals are number one. "Love" chemicals (sorry to say) are the main reason young couples fall in love and make babies in the first place. If you didn't feel some invisible drive to put your thing inside of that thing, you probably would never want to touch it. The human sex organs are pretty unpleasant to look at, so thank goodness something was driving you toward procreation because otherwise, you might have never been inclined to do it.

The 'love' chemicals are something to think about if you're getting angry right now. Much of life is not based on invisible forces that simply draw you to your soul mate. but instead, you are alive primarily to procreate, as much as any bacteria or annoying bug or cute animal. That is your prime directive. Sounds like a pretty boring existence to me, but then again, something about the human race as a whole creeps me out.

Photo by: Reuters

Imagine a single species on some other distant planet or moon, say Titan, one of Saturn's moons. They are strange, not really biologically comparable to humans, but they have managed in only a few short centuries to rise to the top of their food chain. They dominate the moon. They are by far not the most populous, but their intellect if far greater than anything else on Titan. They live and interact and enjoy their existence as self-aware beings with feelings and opinions.

But imagine how they rose to the top. Imagine they we some sort of parasitic beasts, and though not necessarily directly harmful to the touch, they used everything around them to rise to the top. They use flesh from lower creatures as food and fuel. They harvest material produced by creatures who make their own food to build houses. These dominant creatures are the strongest only because of their vast intellect, but they continue to deplete resources on Titan. They enact initiatives to replenish the moon with some of the resources they have taken, but the colonies have become too large to make a strong impact. They continue to reproduce and spread across the moon's surface until they have taken up all the space they can.

The moon by this time is a shell of its former self. It can no longer sustain its original function as a home for many species. The dominant species has crowded out all other life. They begin to look at other planets and moons, comparing their own with new ones, hoping to find a new home for their species. If they develop the technology to spread to other planets before learning to control themselves, they will continue to deplete new locations of their resources until they are spreading too quickly to find new homes. They overcrowd previous planets. They feel the pain of being unable to spread out and find themselves in a bind.

These creatures were doing what their species intended as a whole. They kept from becoming extinct. But at what cost?

Photo by: A. ARRIZURIETA

By now, you could probably see the parallels between the Titanians and Earthlings. But how could we be like them? In this instance, we see why having a governing body outside of ourselves is so important in justifying the existence of humans. Surely we must have some purpose!

Even if there is a purpose for the human race, the rate of reproduction is vastly larger than our ability to take care of the planet. We as a people either consume too much and become obese, or too little and starve to death. If there is some sort of governing celestial body, shouldn't it be inclined to provide equal resources to all of its creations?

The human race spreads like a virus across Earth. And before we turn to our moon or Mars for colonies, we should first take a look at ourselves and ask, "If we saw another species on another planet like ours, would we advocate the move to a new planet?" And if nuclear war overtook Earth some day in the potentially near future, would you want to help repopulate the Earth? Would you want your race to continue to ravage its home simply because it is the superior race?

Well, I wouldn't. This species is doomed for failure unless we become somehow enlightened that, because of our superior intellect, we could spread through the universe with good intent instead of simply a need to consume. Would you save humanity?

There Aren't Enough Pictures on this Blog!

People these days really like pictures. A stupid amount of pictures, actually. So, in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm rolling out the cutest pictures I have, just for you, reader! So, sit back and let your brain take some time off from thinky time while you drool and titter at some word pictures.

Are you in the mood for Valentine's Day? Golly gee, Becky Sue, I hope so! Stay tuned for more uplifting photos after this break!

Astrology: 2/8/2013

Your Horoscope for February 8th, 2013

Aries: That girl's boobs are not definitely better-looking than yours. Don't let the stares get in your way as you club your heart out. She is hollow inside.

Taurus: Have the balls of a bull today, Taurus. You can't allow yourself to forget who you really are: a woman trapped in a brony's body! Don't let yourself forget that!

Gemini: I usually date guys that are Geminis. So do other girls. Your boyfriend is cheating on you today. Go crazy. Hire Cheaters and then go on a Blind Date like that old TV show.

Cancer: Nobody knows better than you about your 'secret spot.' You won't believe it when a lover finds that spot and brutalizes it! Brutalize him back, and brutalize him good! It will improve your mood.

Leo: Today, you will find that a certain family member has been gossiping about you behind your back. She told Aunt Beth that you think that she is never going to find a husband, but really you didn't say that at all. You were talking about yourself! It's not fair. Kill them both.

Virgo: When you wake up, you'll feel this insane urge to get Jupiter out of your life. But too bad. It's there forever. Start a long journey to finish Carl Sagan's work in radio-contact with alien lifeforms. It will pay off.

Libra: Let the playfulness of your inner kitten come out! You have a prime directive. Now use it!

Scorpio: Beware of tomorrow. It will be different than today. Don't let tomorrow change how you see today. Keep eating and sleeping your life away. You pathetic slug.

Sagittarius: A new pimple? Ugh. How dare natural life take its course on your precious face? How could God let this happen? Today you will lose faith in a major force.

Capricorn: To Hell with it. You can't win them all. Remember that as you lose the fight against some guy on the street in Montana. What's his name? Oh, yeah. John Mayer. He's stronger than he looks.

Aquarius: A special guy has been looking at you in the hallways at high school. Now he's in your hallway at your house and won't move. It's kind of creepy. Let him talk, but don't let him walk.

Pisces: You won't regret becoming a nun today. If your sister thinks it's stupid, tell the FBI that she is a co-conspirator to 9/11. Never mind that she was only seven when it happened. They won't care.

Private Parts

God forbid I send someone a private message on their birthday. I mean, I actually prefer to get all of the aftermath questions of people 'noticing' I didn't send my mother a Happy Birthday message. I hate my privacy anyway. There's nothing more mortifying than getting caught with my pants down and no pictures to prove it. And if you aren't on Facebook, well, you're not even real.

Okay, so what if this has been a major complaint for a while now? You're still doing it! You're still telling everyone that you and [tagged friend] went to this new bar, and you'll be there this weekend with [other tagged friend] and [original tagged friend], who just happens to be in this picture. She's the one with the really big tits and no conceivable bra. Don't worry, the camera in your phone is 12.1 MP, so it's top quality. Good thing Facebook lets you download photos right to your computer! You don't even need to copy and paste!

Well, sure, you want all your high school classmates to think you're cool. What's better than someone who scoffed at you in math class liking your 'drinking buddies 2013' pictures? Even better: that creepy guy who just added you just downloaded all your drinking pictures because they're just erotic enough to get him off for the day! Hurray for the internet! Boo privacy!

I used to like the internet back when I spent most of my time writing HTML in Notepad, but nowadays, I slug around on Facebook and Twitter, switching back and forth because I keep closing out of my tabs, trying to convince myself to mot go back to one or the other. But my mindless curiosity just keeps bringing me back. What doofus picture is the next person going to post? What will the next relationship argument be about? How stupid will it be?

The main reason people like Facebook is that they can feed off of your stupidity. Any given person will see your idiocy, tell a friend, and together they will laugh at you. If you don't get any likes on anything you say, but your friend count stays the same, chances are that you're the laughingstock of your friends. All because you couldn't resist the lure of sharing your most private details.

Oh, I hate when that moment happens.

Does the world just have a problem with the people not knowing every single thing they've thought about today? And just a heads up, but you're not really that important. You are just my entertainment. I won't like your statuses, I'll show all your stupid shared photos to Brandon, we will laugh, and we won't ever talk about any of it after it happens because it's just not that important. And then I'll un-subscribe.

Sincerely,           

Astrology: 2/6/2013

Your Horoscope for February 6th, 2013

Aries: People are watching you. If you want to have a good day, remember that the people watching you are inferior. Especially if they have really bushy eyebrows.

Taurus: Don't let your fear of going outside get in the way of getting your groceries today. You need those carrots for the stew, and you will not let personal problems get in the way of that.

Gemini: If you were a trapeze artist, you'd be home by now.

Cancer: To be truly human is to constantly be exploring. So eat with fervor previously unknown to humans. But don't question authority. That is for another day.

Leo: Your day depends on not running into traffic. If you can manage to avoid that silly little error, you will find yourself in a much better humor than if you had run into traffic.

Virgo: Today, blue will be your color. Wear double denim to double your flavor. The women will love it. The men will love it. You'll have to turn bisexual to handle all the love coming at you at once.

Libra: Nobody will care about you today. You'll feel lonely as a turtle baking in the sun. Lonelier than Zeus the Greek God. As lonely as two people very much in love with each other.

Scorpio: Your day will be uneventful. Your life will be uneventful. Unless you stop drinking that much.

Sagittarius: Paint your shingles today or you'll get shingles tomorrow.

Capricorn: Maybe your mother would call so much if she didn't think you weren't capable of taking care of yourself on that Burger King lifestyle.

Aquarius: Don't. You know what I'm talking about.

Pisces: Respect your country or the FBI will getting a call soon. They don't know you, but if you keep talking like that, Obama's staff will be putting up a couple of extra pictures in your name.

Astrology: 2/5/2013

Your Horoscope for February 5th, 2013

Aries: You will see much of the world today, even if it is only from a tiny barred window. Perhaps, you may even see one breast. But watch out for Uranus! For today and tomorrow, it is in the Big Dipper. And that is the most dangerous of all.

Taurus: There will be much to quarrel about today. You will be on your period or your man period, and the thought of taking out the garbage will have you trying to shove it all into the garbage disposal. Even those big, cumbersome beer bottles from last night.

Gemini: This is your boyfriend's sign. Read it only when you think he's cheating on you. There may be evidence to support this.

Cancer: The realm of the Zodiac warns this sign that you will see the words "grand penis" two more times today. How grand is this grand penis? The world may never know.

Leo: If you don't see a rabbit this morning, you are going to be screwed out of any semblance of a good day. If you do, you need to check that it's a boy before you jump to action. Just in case.

Virgo: Good news! People still think that Virgo is the Virgin. Go nuts. And I mean nuts.

Libra: While you were out, your young animal you just adopted from the forest shit all over the carpet. Your wife told you to put him in the cage, but no, you had to feel bad for him. Have fun cleaning that up, because it's not your wife's responsibility now.

Scorpio: You're the only one who noticed the problem in the reactor core of the nuclear plant you toured yesterday. If you tell anyone, you won't be able to go to Red Lobster because you'll be too busy. Make time for yourself.

Sagittarius: No, no, everybody doesn't think you're insane. Just keep shooting those arrows are kittens for the sake of the greater good. Somebody out there understands you. Your job is to find them. Your life may depend on it.

Capricorn: If you dream of toilets trying to kiss you while other toilets pin you down to your bed, you might want to take it easy today. Your dream is trying to tell you something.

Aquarius: This is your lucky day. Don't waste it, and don't be disappointed if it's not that great. You have now set your standards for what your personal good day is like. Enjoy the disappointment. Others will.

Pisces: What happens if you can't find your car keys tonight? You'll miss the ballet and your girlfriend will be upset. You'll spnd the night alone and you won't find anything good on television.

Oh, Hi

Do you like Kickstarter? Do you like laughing at hipsters? Well, I do. And I'm here to tell you all about some of the recent worst of the worst. You'll enjoy videos featuring the "Oh, hey! I didn't see you there" gag and some guy that enjoys things that you have yet to hear about. These videos and Kickstarters come direct from the recently-added page, so they're fresh enough to donate to.

I'll see you later, because I'm the hot. Cereal man.

1. Your new calendar
The HOT Cereal Man 2013

2. Your new collection
A Card Game to Beat Your Friends Senseless

3. Your new tour of a goat farm
Automated Milking System

4. Your new unique artist's calendar (another calendar, Alexis?!)
Starry Nights Calendar

5. Your new overly-glorified silicone dots
Bonus Rounds for iPhone

6. Your new hipster (I mean) hip shorts
Tomi Otee: The New Standard for Sports Chic Fashion

7. Your new Indianapolis prostitute
Help Me Live While I Write My First Novel

I had to stop searching at this point because there were more zombie-premise movie trailers than I could handle. Zombie make-up is pretty much free. How much would it really cost to go to an unnamed graveyard and film for a little while?

Okay, so I realize that I'm giving these people what they want, which is promotion, but I genuinely don't care about that, simply for the fact that the laughter they have brought me is payment enough for this silly promotion. And while these projects are awful, they might give someone the strength to do something better. The Kickstarter idea as a website is a really clever means of getting shit out there, but it tends to spawn awful things such as t-shirts with rib-cages on them that cost 22 bucks. And a pointless load of EP's and independent films that are horrifying glorified and again very pointless.

Now, I realize that there is a market for interpretive dance about things people do in the city, but I just don't get the point. To me, there should be some ultimate outcome at the end of a performance. Something other than, "Oh, yeah, people definitely do those things in the city." An ending where everyone dies or moves to the country would be interesting, I suppose, but even then, I'm not the proper market for that, so I guess I can't really judge. I don't even like when a movie suddenly turns into a musical for one scene.

Please hear me out on this one, internet, but if you are creating mash-ups of the famous painting Starry Night, calling yourself an artist, and then pasting those images into a calendar, well, I guess this is pretty self-explanatory, but you are not an artist. If you sell meme shirts that you printed yourself, you are not an artist. If you stick on some big non-candy dots to your iPhone, you are a slave to Apple and you need to see that it isn't a good thing.

And number one probably appealed to you, but it's fake. Sorry, friends, but the hot cereal men are nothing more than bored college boys who still think that calling themselves hot when they aren't so much is funny. Once again, sorry.