Friday, February 8, 2013
Astrology: 2/8/2013
Your Horoscope for February 8th, 2013
Aries: That girl's boobs are not definitely better-looking than yours. Don't let the stares get in your way as you club your heart out. She is hollow inside.
Taurus: Have the balls of a bull today, Taurus. You can't allow yourself to forget who you really are: a woman trapped in a brony's body! Don't let yourself forget that!
Gemini: I usually date guys that are Geminis. So do other girls. Your boyfriend is cheating on you today. Go crazy. Hire Cheaters and then go on a Blind Date like that old TV show.
Cancer: Nobody knows better than you about your 'secret spot.' You won't believe it when a lover finds that spot and brutalizes it! Brutalize him back, and brutalize him good! It will improve your mood.
Leo: Today, you will find that a certain family member has been gossiping about you behind your back. She told Aunt Beth that you think that she is never going to find a husband, but really you didn't say that at all. You were talking about yourself! It's not fair. Kill them both.
Virgo: When you wake up, you'll feel this insane urge to get Jupiter out of your life. But too bad. It's there forever. Start a long journey to finish Carl Sagan's work in radio-contact with alien lifeforms. It will pay off.
Libra: Let the playfulness of your inner kitten come out! You have a prime directive. Now use it!
Scorpio: Beware of tomorrow. It will be different than today. Don't let tomorrow change how you see today. Keep eating and sleeping your life away. You pathetic slug.
Sagittarius: A new pimple? Ugh. How dare natural life take its course on your precious face? How could God let this happen? Today you will lose faith in a major force.
Capricorn: To Hell with it. You can't win them all. Remember that as you lose the fight against some guy on the street in Montana. What's his name? Oh, yeah. John Mayer. He's stronger than he looks.
Aquarius: A special guy has been looking at you in the hallways at high school. Now he's in your hallway at your house and won't move. It's kind of creepy. Let him talk, but don't let him walk.
Pisces: You won't regret becoming a nun today. If your sister thinks it's stupid, tell the FBI that she is a co-conspirator to 9/11. Never mind that she was only seven when it happened. They won't care.
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