Private Parts

God forbid I send someone a private message on their birthday. I mean, I actually prefer to get all of the aftermath questions of people 'noticing' I didn't send my mother a Happy Birthday message. I hate my privacy anyway. There's nothing more mortifying than getting caught with my pants down and no pictures to prove it. And if you aren't on Facebook, well, you're not even real.

Okay, so what if this has been a major complaint for a while now? You're still doing it! You're still telling everyone that you and [tagged friend] went to this new bar, and you'll be there this weekend with [other tagged friend] and [original tagged friend], who just happens to be in this picture. She's the one with the really big tits and no conceivable bra. Don't worry, the camera in your phone is 12.1 MP, so it's top quality. Good thing Facebook lets you download photos right to your computer! You don't even need to copy and paste!

Well, sure, you want all your high school classmates to think you're cool. What's better than someone who scoffed at you in math class liking your 'drinking buddies 2013' pictures? Even better: that creepy guy who just added you just downloaded all your drinking pictures because they're just erotic enough to get him off for the day! Hurray for the internet! Boo privacy!

I used to like the internet back when I spent most of my time writing HTML in Notepad, but nowadays, I slug around on Facebook and Twitter, switching back and forth because I keep closing out of my tabs, trying to convince myself to mot go back to one or the other. But my mindless curiosity just keeps bringing me back. What doofus picture is the next person going to post? What will the next relationship argument be about? How stupid will it be?

The main reason people like Facebook is that they can feed off of your stupidity. Any given person will see your idiocy, tell a friend, and together they will laugh at you. If you don't get any likes on anything you say, but your friend count stays the same, chances are that you're the laughingstock of your friends. All because you couldn't resist the lure of sharing your most private details.

Oh, I hate when that moment happens.

Does the world just have a problem with the people not knowing every single thing they've thought about today? And just a heads up, but you're not really that important. You are just my entertainment. I won't like your statuses, I'll show all your stupid shared photos to Brandon, we will laugh, and we won't ever talk about any of it after it happens because it's just not that important. And then I'll un-subscribe.

Sincerely,