Private Parts

God forbid I send someone a private message on their birthday. I mean, I actually prefer to get all of the aftermath questions of people 'noticing' I didn't send my mother a Happy Birthday message. I hate my privacy anyway. There's nothing more mortifying than getting caught with my pants down and no pictures to prove it. And if you aren't on Facebook, well, you're not even real.

Okay, so what if this has been a major complaint for a while now? You're still doing it! You're still telling everyone that you and [tagged friend] went to this new bar, and you'll be there this weekend with [other tagged friend] and [original tagged friend], who just happens to be in this picture. She's the one with the really big tits and no conceivable bra. Don't worry, the camera in your phone is 12.1 MP, so it's top quality. Good thing Facebook lets you download photos right to your computer! You don't even need to copy and paste!

Well, sure, you want all your high school classmates to think you're cool. What's better than someone who scoffed at you in math class liking your 'drinking buddies 2013' pictures? Even better: that creepy guy who just added you just downloaded all your drinking pictures because they're just erotic enough to get him off for the day! Hurray for the internet! Boo privacy!

I used to like the internet back when I spent most of my time writing HTML in Notepad, but nowadays, I slug around on Facebook and Twitter, switching back and forth because I keep closing out of my tabs, trying to convince myself to mot go back to one or the other. But my mindless curiosity just keeps bringing me back. What doofus picture is the next person going to post? What will the next relationship argument be about? How stupid will it be?

The main reason people like Facebook is that they can feed off of your stupidity. Any given person will see your idiocy, tell a friend, and together they will laugh at you. If you don't get any likes on anything you say, but your friend count stays the same, chances are that you're the laughingstock of your friends. All because you couldn't resist the lure of sharing your most private details.

Oh, I hate when that moment happens.

Does the world just have a problem with the people not knowing every single thing they've thought about today? And just a heads up, but you're not really that important. You are just my entertainment. I won't like your statuses, I'll show all your stupid shared photos to Brandon, we will laugh, and we won't ever talk about any of it after it happens because it's just not that important. And then I'll un-subscribe.

Sincerely,           

Astrology: 2/6/2013

Your Horoscope for February 6th, 2013

Aries: People are watching you. If you want to have a good day, remember that the people watching you are inferior. Especially if they have really bushy eyebrows.

Taurus: Don't let your fear of going outside get in the way of getting your groceries today. You need those carrots for the stew, and you will not let personal problems get in the way of that.

Gemini: If you were a trapeze artist, you'd be home by now.

Cancer: To be truly human is to constantly be exploring. So eat with fervor previously unknown to humans. But don't question authority. That is for another day.

Leo: Your day depends on not running into traffic. If you can manage to avoid that silly little error, you will find yourself in a much better humor than if you had run into traffic.

Virgo: Today, blue will be your color. Wear double denim to double your flavor. The women will love it. The men will love it. You'll have to turn bisexual to handle all the love coming at you at once.

Libra: Nobody will care about you today. You'll feel lonely as a turtle baking in the sun. Lonelier than Zeus the Greek God. As lonely as two people very much in love with each other.

Scorpio: Your day will be uneventful. Your life will be uneventful. Unless you stop drinking that much.

Sagittarius: Paint your shingles today or you'll get shingles tomorrow.

Capricorn: Maybe your mother would call so much if she didn't think you weren't capable of taking care of yourself on that Burger King lifestyle.

Aquarius: Don't. You know what I'm talking about.

Pisces: Respect your country or the FBI will getting a call soon. They don't know you, but if you keep talking like that, Obama's staff will be putting up a couple of extra pictures in your name.

Astrology: 2/5/2013

Your Horoscope for February 5th, 2013

Aries: You will see much of the world today, even if it is only from a tiny barred window. Perhaps, you may even see one breast. But watch out for Uranus! For today and tomorrow, it is in the Big Dipper. And that is the most dangerous of all.

Taurus: There will be much to quarrel about today. You will be on your period or your man period, and the thought of taking out the garbage will have you trying to shove it all into the garbage disposal. Even those big, cumbersome beer bottles from last night.

Gemini: This is your boyfriend's sign. Read it only when you think he's cheating on you. There may be evidence to support this.

Cancer: The realm of the Zodiac warns this sign that you will see the words "grand penis" two more times today. How grand is this grand penis? The world may never know.

Leo: If you don't see a rabbit this morning, you are going to be screwed out of any semblance of a good day. If you do, you need to check that it's a boy before you jump to action. Just in case.

Virgo: Good news! People still think that Virgo is the Virgin. Go nuts. And I mean nuts.

Libra: While you were out, your young animal you just adopted from the forest shit all over the carpet. Your wife told you to put him in the cage, but no, you had to feel bad for him. Have fun cleaning that up, because it's not your wife's responsibility now.

Scorpio: You're the only one who noticed the problem in the reactor core of the nuclear plant you toured yesterday. If you tell anyone, you won't be able to go to Red Lobster because you'll be too busy. Make time for yourself.

Sagittarius: No, no, everybody doesn't think you're insane. Just keep shooting those arrows are kittens for the sake of the greater good. Somebody out there understands you. Your job is to find them. Your life may depend on it.

Capricorn: If you dream of toilets trying to kiss you while other toilets pin you down to your bed, you might want to take it easy today. Your dream is trying to tell you something.

Aquarius: This is your lucky day. Don't waste it, and don't be disappointed if it's not that great. You have now set your standards for what your personal good day is like. Enjoy the disappointment. Others will.

Pisces: What happens if you can't find your car keys tonight? You'll miss the ballet and your girlfriend will be upset. You'll spnd the night alone and you won't find anything good on television.

Oh, Hi

Do you like Kickstarter? Do you like laughing at hipsters? Well, I do. And I'm here to tell you all about some of the recent worst of the worst. You'll enjoy videos featuring the "Oh, hey! I didn't see you there" gag and some guy that enjoys things that you have yet to hear about. These videos and Kickstarters come direct from the recently-added page, so they're fresh enough to donate to.

I'll see you later, because I'm the hot. Cereal man.

1. Your new calendar
The HOT Cereal Man 2013

2. Your new collection
A Card Game to Beat Your Friends Senseless

3. Your new tour of a goat farm
Automated Milking System

4. Your new unique artist's calendar (another calendar, Alexis?!)
Starry Nights Calendar

5. Your new overly-glorified silicone dots
Bonus Rounds for iPhone

6. Your new hipster (I mean) hip shorts
Tomi Otee: The New Standard for Sports Chic Fashion

7. Your new Indianapolis prostitute
Help Me Live While I Write My First Novel

I had to stop searching at this point because there were more zombie-premise movie trailers than I could handle. Zombie make-up is pretty much free. How much would it really cost to go to an unnamed graveyard and film for a little while?

Okay, so I realize that I'm giving these people what they want, which is promotion, but I genuinely don't care about that, simply for the fact that the laughter they have brought me is payment enough for this silly promotion. And while these projects are awful, they might give someone the strength to do something better. The Kickstarter idea as a website is a really clever means of getting shit out there, but it tends to spawn awful things such as t-shirts with rib-cages on them that cost 22 bucks. And a pointless load of EP's and independent films that are horrifying glorified and again very pointless.

Now, I realize that there is a market for interpretive dance about things people do in the city, but I just don't get the point. To me, there should be some ultimate outcome at the end of a performance. Something other than, "Oh, yeah, people definitely do those things in the city." An ending where everyone dies or moves to the country would be interesting, I suppose, but even then, I'm not the proper market for that, so I guess I can't really judge. I don't even like when a movie suddenly turns into a musical for one scene.

Please hear me out on this one, internet, but if you are creating mash-ups of the famous painting Starry Night, calling yourself an artist, and then pasting those images into a calendar, well, I guess this is pretty self-explanatory, but you are not an artist. If you sell meme shirts that you printed yourself, you are not an artist. If you stick on some big non-candy dots to your iPhone, you are a slave to Apple and you need to see that it isn't a good thing.

And number one probably appealed to you, but it's fake. Sorry, friends, but the hot cereal men are nothing more than bored college boys who still think that calling themselves hot when they aren't so much is funny. Once again, sorry.

Just Some Idiot Twenty-Something Chick

There's this tanning salon across the street with a now hiring sign on the door. I applied, and even went across town to speak with the manager, and yet, nothing. No calls.  She even said something along the lines of "I'll review your application and call you if I need to." Cool, not when you see it. Just whatever. Not like you're hiring or anything.

The fitness center across the street took my application, jerked me around for two weeks, with this "the manager just left" and "sorry, come back later" bullshit, only to find out that they don't have but two shifts available, and to "come back this summer when the college students are gone."

Subway isn't even hiring here, and the frozen yogurt place I applied at hasn't called back.

I'm trying to stay in the area because I don't have my own vehicle, but there is either nothing here or I'm just some dumb-looking twenty-something girl who isn't even in college. I have skills! I just haven't been working my whole life, or at least at enough places to make it look like I'm some damn workaholic puppet.

"Der! Lookee, I maka the job go good for you boss man! You likee me work hard like good monkey?"

I don't know what the world is looking for. It eludes me. If I'm doing something wrong, well, I wish somebody would tell me what, because I don't want to just be a cashier girl. I want to at least do something different for once. I also don't want to dance for money. I'm not talking as a stripper, but just as a 'model employee.' It would make me suicidal if I had to spend the rest of my life performing like a good little monkey for money's sake. It's useful, but not that important.

My Etsy shop is very close to being up and running. I just need my debit card from my new bank and I'll be set with that. Hopefully I'm not a failure at that. I don't know. Maybe I can just do that for now.

But currently, fuck college towns with a bunch of replaceable twenty-somethings.

Good Morning, Let's Start Over Tomorrow

Welcome to 2013, you potentially fat, lazy, potentially American blog viewer of mine. Welcome to the year some thought wouldn't ever come. It's late morning, or perhaps evening when you get around to this, and you've just popped some aspirin because last night we celebrated and it was super cool how Jessica did bong hits and keg stands and somebody streaked in the snow and 2013 started off so well. Until you woke up. And you tried to exercise but your head is spinning so now you're sitting on the couch under the covers listening to The Decemberists and trying to stay focused enough to write one fucking post for once.

Well. Maybe.

Maybe you're screwing around at work. In which case, quit screwing around. This isn't important enough for that. But if not, let's rap. This year you pledged to exercise or do diet better or whatever, I get that, but for those of you who drank themselves silly last night/this morning, I have a question. Is today a throwaway? You're probably pretty sore and tired and sick, so you can't get around to that routine til tomorrow. That's kind of weird, right?

I'm just dicking around right now, so I'm going to declare that this is the year of questions. Questioning authority, questioning the questioners, asking yourself stuff. Yeah. That stuff. Like, why did everyone just give up on Gotye? I liked his Making Mirrors album, even if his song Somebody That I Used to Know got super out of hand on the radio, and his other songs were really interesting. So what if everybody else likes the same song as you. If it's decent, catchy music, don't shit on it just because you remember it. I haven't heard anything about it since the noise died down back last year or whenever.

Also, what's with the underground 'anti-pants' movement popularized on Twitter? I really don't like wearing pants, but that's not because it's edgy or weird to take a stance against an item of clothing. They're just uncomfortable. I guess it's good that people are rejecting a rigid item of clothing for once. Maybe we can move past being frightened of nudity that past generations have instilled, for fuck's sake, but it just seems weird that people act like they don't like pants because it's cool.

Okay, I can't really think of any other questions right now, so, keeping with this unstructured mess, less talk about other stuff. Doug Stanhope is coming to the UARK Bowl in March, I do believe, and that's in Fayetteville, like three miles from where I live with Brandon. That's going to be pretty sweet. I've listened to every album I could find on the internets. Including the shit you can't get for free on Spotify. So that's awesome.

Whatever. I'm getting tired. I'm gonna try and write some stupid songs today, so let's conclude this weird dear diary entry blog. Have fun with your hangovers.