Nevermind About the Guitar

It's already leaving me after some lame jokes on Facebook were made about stickers.

Yay!

Shit, Another Amateur Photographer

I like taking pictures. A few of the pictures on this blog are actually from myself, and not just from the gross corners of the internet. I figured I might as well share them since a lot of my life is dedicated to photography. Also, if you're close to me, I do photography for pay on occasion, and I'd definitely love some more practice. Here are some examples, if you're interested.

Depending upon what you're interested in, I might be able to help you out. I've been told my fees are pretty low, and that's probably because they are. But I'm still a little photographer baby, really, since I haven't even created a photography business page on Facebook yet.

Also, I have another thing I need to do. I have a left-handed electric guitar I bought back in '07 and can't come with us on our journey. There just won't be enough room, and besides, I prefer acoustic anyway. So, do you want it? It's a Rockland, which is not a well-known brand. Just another Fender knockoff, I think.

I can add more stickers if that's a selling point. All that I ask is that it goes away. If you're concerned about the obscenities, yes, it does also say "Fuck New School" on the side. And enemas rule.

Also, I do realize the photos are nearly unbearable to look at for clean people. Sorry.

If you're interested in the guitar, and you're willing to pay the shipping, you can have it. Just like that. Just send me an e-mail at alexis.esteb@gmail dot com. We can set something up. Baby.

Merry Jizzmas and Happy Poo Year

I don't even know why you've chosen, on this, the day after Christmas, to look here for some inspirational words, but you're here, so let's get on with this mess. I'm currently riding the coat-tails of a two-day gas station beer hangover, listening to hipster music, and deciding what I can do now with my newly-found-again consumer freedom now that the stores are open once again. Should I go buy more, better beer? Nurse away the sickness with more poison? Or should I steer clear of WalMart and Kroger in fear of wasting the last few days of the year as some robot incapable of staying home on Christmas Eve because I can't drink and watch Trollhunter at the same time?

Maybe I should just try to curl up with my new camera and comfy blanket that I'm somehow dangerously obsessed with. Maybe I should clean my bedroom. I need to do that. But whatever. Where are my manners? I'm supposed to bring some inspiring words to this damp craphole of a blog. So, here...

That's as good as I can do. Jesus is born, so let's eat a fuckload! Ah, that's the American spirit. It's alive and well on this fabulous Boxing Day that no one here celebrates because it's weird and scary.

But you may be asking, "What, pray tell, is Jizzmas?" Oh, haha, let me tell you. Jizzmas is that special time of the year, after the hot cousins go back to Missouri, when your pent-up, unapologetic load can finally be released. It feels good, right? And why does 23-year-old cousin Becky have to wear a mini-skirt for every occasion? Fire off one in the name of the father, the son, and the holy fucking ghost watching you masturbate.

So, as you wind down from the gift high, drink your x-core black coffee with two shots of espresso with hope. Because I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a great new year. And we're all gonna get through it together. I love you. Happy Jizzmas and take an extra-large aspirin on me.

Et Tu, Amazon?

Ugh. Waiting is such sweet sorrow. No, actually, it's only sorrow. Amazon is seriously dicking around with my in-stock warehouse purchase from down the street. Oh, by the way, working there fucked up my ankle so badly that I couldn't walk on it for days, forcing me to quit and my days to be filled with boredom. Damn stupid concrete floors and ten-hour days. And "your breaks start at break-time, but you need to make sure you are leaving the break room five minutes before it ends so you can get back by the end of break." Shorting breaks by seven minutes because they can't have people dawdling while they fucking stall the hell out of my camera purchase.

The shipping problem has gotten increasingly annoying, according to a bunch of people on the internet. If you choose the Free shipping option, they stall your package even if it's in stock, and like I said before, you live a few miles away from the bullshit warehouse.

Yeah, this is super stupid. I figured that my camera would be here by today at the latest, but it probably won't arrive until after it's projected shipping date. But the thing I bought from some third-party company two days later through Amazon is already on its way. It was shipped out the night I bought it. I'd cancel the camera order, but it's the best deal by far, and they just really have me by the balls here.

In other news, it's been really snowy here in Indiana as of the last week or two. Enough to coat the ground and not melt even when it's warm enough to. It's like the mountains. And less people are outside being annoying because of it. Oh, joy, oh, happy times. I like when the people don't go out.

But what do I do until my camera gets here? I want to do things, but I don't know what they are. Yesterday I watched the first two Harry Potter movies, and I'm not really even a fan of the franchise. That's scary. I haven't seen past the fourth or fifth one, so I suppose it's about time to watch them.

Can't wait until I get the camera. It's a Nikon D5100 and it was, if I may, a steal of a deal. But it's really testing my fucking patience. Ugh. Fuck it. I'm going to do something else now.

Oh, Indiana

So, how is the world? I'm good, except for my ankle. Some sort of injury that has caused me to be unable to work, so now I'm at home, playing the Minecraft. Yep, pretty fancy living. Terribly phrased sentence structure, but who cares. I don't know if anyone reads this junk anyway.

Lately, I've missed a lot of the news, so any time I get the chance to read it, I do. What's in the news today? Here in Indy, it's the snow. Joyous Christmas-lovers are bragging to their Southern family members that this year surely will be a White Christmas, and I just don't give a fuck. Maybe it's that good old Indiana blood apathetically sloshing through my veins, but I could not care less about Christmas. I'm not religious (again, I just don't care), and I'm not a 'family' person. If you are a part of my family, don't take this the wrong way. It simply means that, if I don't like you as a person, I won't consider keeping in touch. Just because we have the same blood, it doesn't mean that we should be fucking best friends.

But back to apathy. If you have ever been to Indiana, you might notice that one of our trademark auras is that of indifference. Our flag should just be a guy shrugging his shoulders.

Stylish.

Now, if you have not been to Indiana, good. Don't come. It's mediocre at best, and at worst, a redneck-infested swamp clouded by truck exhaust and shootings like clockwork. Yeah, the hipsters are here now, but even they are an off-breed of their Hoosier parents. "Wanna have kids?" "Yeah, I guess." Then they fuck and watch television at the same time.

By no means is Indiana the worst state, however. Once, during a heat wave, I was in Alabama at a WalMart (oh, the choices I make), when, over the intercom, a voice loudly proclaimed, "Attention, guests! Someone left their Bible in a fitting room and now it's gone. If you've seen it, please bring it to the front." With that lovely Southern accent. Honestly, it was almost cute, except that it was hot as balls, and the van was in mid-breakdown from evaporated antifreeze, and we were in a hurry. So, cranky as I was, I laughed a bit and left.

If something like that happened in Indiana, the first thing they would do is say, "Oh, fuck it." Well, maybe not word-for-word. Christians don't say bad words. They're better than me. Then, they'd go home and find the other ten Bibles they have. Even I have a Bible! Granted, we only kept it to tear pages out for a video we did, but still. Leviathan can be read in a million other books.

Okay, mostly I'm just rambling, as usual. So, what else is there to know about Indiana? I think they finally got over Peyton Manning leaving. They got some other guy named Lucky or something. He does fine, I suppose. I'm not a football supporter. Anyway, every time I've seen Peyton Manning in a photo, he's always got some dorky-ass expression on his face. He's not even playing in this picture! Why is he making that face?

Gorgeous. They plaster that all over WalMarts across the state, and eventually you just kind of get sick of the guy. Sure, he did some funny skits. Yeah, he helped win stuff. But I didn't need my taxes to be raised because some dick decided it would be in Indianapolis's best interest to build a new monstrous stadium.

Indiana used to be a forest, but since they tore through a lot of that, it's turned into something of a swamp. Mushy ground and mosquitoes everywhere. I'm allergic to mosquitoes and terrified of tornadoes. Which happen pretty frequently where I live. I can't think of a time in my life where I haven't thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be nice to take everyone I know and move us to some other state?" Yeah. That would be wonderful because nobody wants to leave! What is wrong with you people?

Like I said: it's the indifference. They don't need to leave, so why should they? Well, fine. More other better states for me. I'm glad they're staying.

Working Post Again?!

More working posts! I am currently a picker at one of your favorite shopping sites. I don't know if I'm allowed to disclose which one, but I work at the largest warehouse in the country for this specific website, and boy, is it fucking huge. I managed somehow to hurt my ankle in the first two days of work, so I actually had to call off today just to make sure it's not going to get worse. Ugh. Picking is hard manual labor. Just walking around for ten hours a day, pulling items off of shelves and putting totes on conveyor belts.

For some reason, they don't allow girls (or long-haired dudes) to wear their hair down at all, so I'm forced to put up my hair and wear shoes that are a half-size too big, simply because women's feet tend to swell after ten hours of walking. Apparently. According to AMCare.

When we're not working, we're either driving home or sleeping, since that's all we seem to have time to do now. We're hoping to make it through the next few weeks, and then we'll most likely have enough money to get out of this damn state. Oh, Washington/Oregon! I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to live a state with a 20% liquor tax! Oh, yeah, that's why we'll be living on the border of Oregon.

(Me like, "OMG, why are we not leaving yet? Oh, yeah, because Christmas.")

We're trying to make it to Christmas so we can be dutiful children to our parents, since they all love us some much and want to buy us gifts. Well, not so much my broke parents, but more Brandon's parents. My parents tend to not talk about Christmas until it gets here. "Oh, we would have gotten you something, but we're low on funds this year." That's every year. But it's okay, because most of the time, I don't even have a Christmas list. I don't really mind if nobody buys me anything. The things I want aren't really gift-type things.

Also, I don't want to have a lot of material baggage when we travel. It's not feasible to ask for apartment gifts and then transport them across the country in the van. Poor van. In the nearly year that we've had it, we've racked up almost 50,000 miles on the thing. It's held up quite nicely. Not so much as a breakdown.

Why am I treating this blog like a diary? Mostly because I'm just killing time. I probably have opinions that need discussing, like my unfinished post about 4chan or the bill that's pretty discreetly being pushed and Verizon suing for the end to net neutrality, which I need to fucking discuss because it pissing me off, but I'm just happy to have an extra day of rest until work once again tomorrow.

I guess I'm just happy to live in 2016 Obama's America, really.

One Chapter Ends...

Just got finished with family tidings for the Thanksgiving season, and at the same time, my temporary 'placement specialist' job has also drawn to a very sad close. What a seriously and surprisingly awesome job it was while it lasted. Yet another desk job (how do I keep getting them?) and another job where I was the youngest person working. I managed to meet some really cool people in conjunction with some very odd characters, and now, I'll be moving on to the warehouse.

It's going to be x-core manual labor for the next month, and boy am I not excited.

Come Christmastime, Brandon and I will most likely have the amount of money we need to set out on our new adventure, but ever-cautious, Brandon says we should keep working through January as well. Ugh, man. I don't know what will come of this new temp job, but I'm positive it won't last much longer than Christmas. So we'll have to get other jobs at the beginning of the year. But then, when all is said and done, we'll finally be able to leave!

Watch out, Pacific Northwest. The former FromTheVan-ners are headed out west in only a few more months. What are we going to do? I don't even fucking know. Oh, man, I'm excited.

Stockholm

I've been working like crazy for the past couple of weeks, but it's only a temp job, so I'm sure it won't be too much longer. I just wanted to mention that the sun sets in Stockholm around 3:30 in the afternoon now.

This is a Title of a Post I'm Writing

What's up, all you internet revelers? After a nice, seven month cold shoulder to this dumb blog that I hate and love, I decided to come back and bother my Facebook friends with NSFW posts once again! I was rereading old posts (including the drafts that you can't see), and I decided that I am funny enough to be on the internet after all.

Me irl

As all of us are here on the web, I am an avid opinion-maker. You may note that when you read past posts such as "Marriage is Gay" and "College is Gay." Okay, that's not what I called them originally, but that is the general gist of things.

Something I've noticed about bothering liberals and conservatives via Facebook is that I don't look the part of the 'troll' many of you have come to love. Or hate, whatever. I like trolls, honestly. If done right, the troll approach is the funniest way to approach people who don't have the same opinions as you. And since I don't look like a troll, people treat me differently. When I tell some dude that calls me 'cute, but I like women, not girls' to reconsider and 'one day fuck my ass.' he becomes very confused.

He was arguing with me about liberals or something (like I care, right? Pssht) and very obviously didn't like my opinions, but as soon as I got bored and started saying witty things like the aforementioned quote, he added me as a friend. I laughed really hard and clicked 'ignore.' Dude, you don't even know how truly awful I am as a person.

I didn't screenshot like a smart troll, but I did save the transcript. It's unreadable, but someday I'll fix it up nice for you hungry readers, and you'll have a good laugh at the expense of some well-meaning conservatives who didn't know what hit them.

Here's a little preview for you curious cats. I took off the last names of everybody except for myself, so if I make you angry at any point, you can find me on Facebook and tell me that I am the worst of the worst.

TRANSCRIPT

Emerson: I don't deserve the time of day? Christ, my modeling contract tells me otherwise, I'm sure you wouldn't take your eyes off me irl. Yeah, I started out in a community college cause I was a fuck up in high school(and still graduated with straight Bs). Now you resort to and ad hominem fallacy and are still wrong!!

Brandon: free 2 Girls 1 Cup Guy

Alexis Esteb: WHAT ABOUT NORWEIGIA????!

Jen: Insults, Alexis? *tut* I'm so disappointed. You were off to a good start.
NOW do you see where cartoons like this come from?
How old ARE you???

Alexis Esteb: No dude, I mean me.

David: free Mr Hands

Emerson: If you named one I'd say "wow maybe the whole right wing ideology isn't so bad". I promise. I would. Too bad they don't exist.

Alexis Esteb: AD HOMINEM FALLACY! MAGNA CARTA!

Alexis Esteb: TUT TUT! I AM THREE YEARS OLD

Nick: I love the internet.

Alexis Esteb: Too bad, huh. The ideology of [party] is stupid and I hate it. I am the most important of all the importants.

David: lol "my modeling contract"

Emerson: Hell your kind of cute, I'd give you the time of day if you'd read a goddamn book and work on your comprehension skills. I like women not little girls.

So, there's a snippet of my encounter with Emerson and some lady named Jen. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! No, really, you'll have to wait. I'll get it up soon, though.

Oh, darn. I almost forgot that I have a wedding to attend today. Did you guys know that I don't like weddings? Eh, probably not. I don't just go telling everybody that.

In conclusion, I am back for a while. Here's a picture of two grasshoppers having public sex. Have a nice day!

Skipping Rungs on the Corporate Ladder

Spam bots, did you think I left you forever? Nope! Just lazy. Really lazy. I leave coffee mugs in the bathroom sometimes, and that's where they stay for about two weeks until I get so disgusted with myself that I have to go clean something. So, of course I'm going to tell you about my problems with jobs and corporate ladders and whatnot, but I'm also going to show you a day in the life of this sad sack.

Today, I'm going to be waiting for a phone call. Hell, it might not even come, but I was made aware that if they were to call, it would be this Friday. I interviewed for a temporary job this Monday, and all went really well. I got all 'very good' check marks in the far left column. But there were no openings that day. She said that I should wait until Friday, so I did. It's the day that's that day, and now I have to lay in anguish waiting for something that might not even happen.

I'll be drinking a fuck-ton of coffee, being inexplicably cold, and doing more west coast apartment-searching to keep me from blowing up something to pass the time.

Oh! And here's a side note. Last weekend, I went to a comedy club with free tickets, hoping at least for someone to bomb (uh-oh, looks like some government officials will be reading this for content!), but no, they weren't bad. They told jokes about their wives and how they couldn't get any ass before that, and they went mainstream, and I drank some MGDs. Fucking two-drink minimum. Beer was cheaper than bottled water.

Maybe more about that later.

Have you ever gotten a job that you weren't really qualified for? I definitely haven't. I read all these stories about people who absently apply for something far above their heads and end up walking out with a $17/hr job with fucking benefits. I search for months and still have to jump through hoops to get a seasonal stocking job at Burlington Coat Factory.

When I lived briefly in Arkansas, I couldn't find work. None. Not even a night job at the Kum-n-Go gas station. Granted, they wanted me to fill out an IQ test that would've taken 35-45 minutes that I didn't do, but come on, Arkansas. I'm not a bad character. I could stand at a cash register for a few hours. I have, actually.


Am I a terrible person for not wanting a job? Can't I somehow skip that part and just get the money? Is it wrong to grow up and get older and realize that you don't want a career or a husband or a pair of kids that eat at your savings only to grow up and call you a bitch for wanting them to be cool for once? Well, that's what I want. I know my parents aren't happy that I quit college and don't want to make babies, but tough shit.

I spend most of my time sitting at home in my room by myself in the dark, trying to figure out how I can make money without really doing anything, and so far, I have figured out things I want to do after we move to the coast. What can I do in suburban Indianapolis besides wait until I can leave? This place sucks. Waiting for this call also sucks. I'm going to wrap this up before I start depressing anyone. Later, internet folk!

Alston the Facebook Racist

Would You Save Humanity?

Photo by: Abbie Rowe

Two days after Valentine's Day, we joke that we'll all know what young couples have been up to nine months from now after their romantic rendezvous. You might've had a drink or two and a romantic seafood dinner, and maybe you were a bit tipsy when you came back to your apartment, feeling the effects of love: the fulfilling dopamine that makes you want to latch onto your lover and the oxytocin that commands to never ever let go.

As far as doing jobs to the maximum, these chemicals are number one. "Love" chemicals (sorry to say) are the main reason young couples fall in love and make babies in the first place. If you didn't feel some invisible drive to put your thing inside of that thing, you probably would never want to touch it. The human sex organs are pretty unpleasant to look at, so thank goodness something was driving you toward procreation because otherwise, you might have never been inclined to do it.

The 'love' chemicals are something to think about if you're getting angry right now. Much of life is not based on invisible forces that simply draw you to your soul mate. but instead, you are alive primarily to procreate, as much as any bacteria or annoying bug or cute animal. That is your prime directive. Sounds like a pretty boring existence to me, but then again, something about the human race as a whole creeps me out.

Photo by: Reuters

Imagine a single species on some other distant planet or moon, say Titan, one of Saturn's moons. They are strange, not really biologically comparable to humans, but they have managed in only a few short centuries to rise to the top of their food chain. They dominate the moon. They are by far not the most populous, but their intellect if far greater than anything else on Titan. They live and interact and enjoy their existence as self-aware beings with feelings and opinions.

But imagine how they rose to the top. Imagine they we some sort of parasitic beasts, and though not necessarily directly harmful to the touch, they used everything around them to rise to the top. They use flesh from lower creatures as food and fuel. They harvest material produced by creatures who make their own food to build houses. These dominant creatures are the strongest only because of their vast intellect, but they continue to deplete resources on Titan. They enact initiatives to replenish the moon with some of the resources they have taken, but the colonies have become too large to make a strong impact. They continue to reproduce and spread across the moon's surface until they have taken up all the space they can.

The moon by this time is a shell of its former self. It can no longer sustain its original function as a home for many species. The dominant species has crowded out all other life. They begin to look at other planets and moons, comparing their own with new ones, hoping to find a new home for their species. If they develop the technology to spread to other planets before learning to control themselves, they will continue to deplete new locations of their resources until they are spreading too quickly to find new homes. They overcrowd previous planets. They feel the pain of being unable to spread out and find themselves in a bind.

These creatures were doing what their species intended as a whole. They kept from becoming extinct. But at what cost?

Photo by: A. ARRIZURIETA

By now, you could probably see the parallels between the Titanians and Earthlings. But how could we be like them? In this instance, we see why having a governing body outside of ourselves is so important in justifying the existence of humans. Surely we must have some purpose!

Even if there is a purpose for the human race, the rate of reproduction is vastly larger than our ability to take care of the planet. We as a people either consume too much and become obese, or too little and starve to death. If there is some sort of governing celestial body, shouldn't it be inclined to provide equal resources to all of its creations?

The human race spreads like a virus across Earth. And before we turn to our moon or Mars for colonies, we should first take a look at ourselves and ask, "If we saw another species on another planet like ours, would we advocate the move to a new planet?" And if nuclear war overtook Earth some day in the potentially near future, would you want to help repopulate the Earth? Would you want your race to continue to ravage its home simply because it is the superior race?

Well, I wouldn't. This species is doomed for failure unless we become somehow enlightened that, because of our superior intellect, we could spread through the universe with good intent instead of simply a need to consume. Would you save humanity?

There Aren't Enough Pictures on this Blog!

People these days really like pictures. A stupid amount of pictures, actually. So, in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm rolling out the cutest pictures I have, just for you, reader! So, sit back and let your brain take some time off from thinky time while you drool and titter at some word pictures.

Are you in the mood for Valentine's Day? Golly gee, Becky Sue, I hope so! Stay tuned for more uplifting photos after this break!

Astrology: 2/8/2013

Your Horoscope for February 8th, 2013

Aries: That girl's boobs are not definitely better-looking than yours. Don't let the stares get in your way as you club your heart out. She is hollow inside.

Taurus: Have the balls of a bull today, Taurus. You can't allow yourself to forget who you really are: a woman trapped in a brony's body! Don't let yourself forget that!

Gemini: I usually date guys that are Geminis. So do other girls. Your boyfriend is cheating on you today. Go crazy. Hire Cheaters and then go on a Blind Date like that old TV show.

Cancer: Nobody knows better than you about your 'secret spot.' You won't believe it when a lover finds that spot and brutalizes it! Brutalize him back, and brutalize him good! It will improve your mood.

Leo: Today, you will find that a certain family member has been gossiping about you behind your back. She told Aunt Beth that you think that she is never going to find a husband, but really you didn't say that at all. You were talking about yourself! It's not fair. Kill them both.

Virgo: When you wake up, you'll feel this insane urge to get Jupiter out of your life. But too bad. It's there forever. Start a long journey to finish Carl Sagan's work in radio-contact with alien lifeforms. It will pay off.

Libra: Let the playfulness of your inner kitten come out! You have a prime directive. Now use it!

Scorpio: Beware of tomorrow. It will be different than today. Don't let tomorrow change how you see today. Keep eating and sleeping your life away. You pathetic slug.

Sagittarius: A new pimple? Ugh. How dare natural life take its course on your precious face? How could God let this happen? Today you will lose faith in a major force.

Capricorn: To Hell with it. You can't win them all. Remember that as you lose the fight against some guy on the street in Montana. What's his name? Oh, yeah. John Mayer. He's stronger than he looks.

Aquarius: A special guy has been looking at you in the hallways at high school. Now he's in your hallway at your house and won't move. It's kind of creepy. Let him talk, but don't let him walk.

Pisces: You won't regret becoming a nun today. If your sister thinks it's stupid, tell the FBI that she is a co-conspirator to 9/11. Never mind that she was only seven when it happened. They won't care.

Private Parts

God forbid I send someone a private message on their birthday. I mean, I actually prefer to get all of the aftermath questions of people 'noticing' I didn't send my mother a Happy Birthday message. I hate my privacy anyway. There's nothing more mortifying than getting caught with my pants down and no pictures to prove it. And if you aren't on Facebook, well, you're not even real.

Okay, so what if this has been a major complaint for a while now? You're still doing it! You're still telling everyone that you and [tagged friend] went to this new bar, and you'll be there this weekend with [other tagged friend] and [original tagged friend], who just happens to be in this picture. She's the one with the really big tits and no conceivable bra. Don't worry, the camera in your phone is 12.1 MP, so it's top quality. Good thing Facebook lets you download photos right to your computer! You don't even need to copy and paste!

Well, sure, you want all your high school classmates to think you're cool. What's better than someone who scoffed at you in math class liking your 'drinking buddies 2013' pictures? Even better: that creepy guy who just added you just downloaded all your drinking pictures because they're just erotic enough to get him off for the day! Hurray for the internet! Boo privacy!

I used to like the internet back when I spent most of my time writing HTML in Notepad, but nowadays, I slug around on Facebook and Twitter, switching back and forth because I keep closing out of my tabs, trying to convince myself to mot go back to one or the other. But my mindless curiosity just keeps bringing me back. What doofus picture is the next person going to post? What will the next relationship argument be about? How stupid will it be?

The main reason people like Facebook is that they can feed off of your stupidity. Any given person will see your idiocy, tell a friend, and together they will laugh at you. If you don't get any likes on anything you say, but your friend count stays the same, chances are that you're the laughingstock of your friends. All because you couldn't resist the lure of sharing your most private details.

Oh, I hate when that moment happens.

Does the world just have a problem with the people not knowing every single thing they've thought about today? And just a heads up, but you're not really that important. You are just my entertainment. I won't like your statuses, I'll show all your stupid shared photos to Brandon, we will laugh, and we won't ever talk about any of it after it happens because it's just not that important. And then I'll un-subscribe.

Sincerely,           

Astrology: 2/6/2013

Your Horoscope for February 6th, 2013

Aries: People are watching you. If you want to have a good day, remember that the people watching you are inferior. Especially if they have really bushy eyebrows.

Taurus: Don't let your fear of going outside get in the way of getting your groceries today. You need those carrots for the stew, and you will not let personal problems get in the way of that.

Gemini: If you were a trapeze artist, you'd be home by now.

Cancer: To be truly human is to constantly be exploring. So eat with fervor previously unknown to humans. But don't question authority. That is for another day.

Leo: Your day depends on not running into traffic. If you can manage to avoid that silly little error, you will find yourself in a much better humor than if you had run into traffic.

Virgo: Today, blue will be your color. Wear double denim to double your flavor. The women will love it. The men will love it. You'll have to turn bisexual to handle all the love coming at you at once.

Libra: Nobody will care about you today. You'll feel lonely as a turtle baking in the sun. Lonelier than Zeus the Greek God. As lonely as two people very much in love with each other.

Scorpio: Your day will be uneventful. Your life will be uneventful. Unless you stop drinking that much.

Sagittarius: Paint your shingles today or you'll get shingles tomorrow.

Capricorn: Maybe your mother would call so much if she didn't think you weren't capable of taking care of yourself on that Burger King lifestyle.

Aquarius: Don't. You know what I'm talking about.

Pisces: Respect your country or the FBI will getting a call soon. They don't know you, but if you keep talking like that, Obama's staff will be putting up a couple of extra pictures in your name.

Astrology: 2/5/2013

Your Horoscope for February 5th, 2013

Aries: You will see much of the world today, even if it is only from a tiny barred window. Perhaps, you may even see one breast. But watch out for Uranus! For today and tomorrow, it is in the Big Dipper. And that is the most dangerous of all.

Taurus: There will be much to quarrel about today. You will be on your period or your man period, and the thought of taking out the garbage will have you trying to shove it all into the garbage disposal. Even those big, cumbersome beer bottles from last night.

Gemini: This is your boyfriend's sign. Read it only when you think he's cheating on you. There may be evidence to support this.

Cancer: The realm of the Zodiac warns this sign that you will see the words "grand penis" two more times today. How grand is this grand penis? The world may never know.

Leo: If you don't see a rabbit this morning, you are going to be screwed out of any semblance of a good day. If you do, you need to check that it's a boy before you jump to action. Just in case.

Virgo: Good news! People still think that Virgo is the Virgin. Go nuts. And I mean nuts.

Libra: While you were out, your young animal you just adopted from the forest shit all over the carpet. Your wife told you to put him in the cage, but no, you had to feel bad for him. Have fun cleaning that up, because it's not your wife's responsibility now.

Scorpio: You're the only one who noticed the problem in the reactor core of the nuclear plant you toured yesterday. If you tell anyone, you won't be able to go to Red Lobster because you'll be too busy. Make time for yourself.

Sagittarius: No, no, everybody doesn't think you're insane. Just keep shooting those arrows are kittens for the sake of the greater good. Somebody out there understands you. Your job is to find them. Your life may depend on it.

Capricorn: If you dream of toilets trying to kiss you while other toilets pin you down to your bed, you might want to take it easy today. Your dream is trying to tell you something.

Aquarius: This is your lucky day. Don't waste it, and don't be disappointed if it's not that great. You have now set your standards for what your personal good day is like. Enjoy the disappointment. Others will.

Pisces: What happens if you can't find your car keys tonight? You'll miss the ballet and your girlfriend will be upset. You'll spnd the night alone and you won't find anything good on television.

Oh, Hi

Do you like Kickstarter? Do you like laughing at hipsters? Well, I do. And I'm here to tell you all about some of the recent worst of the worst. You'll enjoy videos featuring the "Oh, hey! I didn't see you there" gag and some guy that enjoys things that you have yet to hear about. These videos and Kickstarters come direct from the recently-added page, so they're fresh enough to donate to.

I'll see you later, because I'm the hot. Cereal man.

1. Your new calendar
The HOT Cereal Man 2013

2. Your new collection
A Card Game to Beat Your Friends Senseless

3. Your new tour of a goat farm
Automated Milking System

4. Your new unique artist's calendar (another calendar, Alexis?!)
Starry Nights Calendar

5. Your new overly-glorified silicone dots
Bonus Rounds for iPhone

6. Your new hipster (I mean) hip shorts
Tomi Otee: The New Standard for Sports Chic Fashion

7. Your new Indianapolis prostitute
Help Me Live While I Write My First Novel

I had to stop searching at this point because there were more zombie-premise movie trailers than I could handle. Zombie make-up is pretty much free. How much would it really cost to go to an unnamed graveyard and film for a little while?

Okay, so I realize that I'm giving these people what they want, which is promotion, but I genuinely don't care about that, simply for the fact that the laughter they have brought me is payment enough for this silly promotion. And while these projects are awful, they might give someone the strength to do something better. The Kickstarter idea as a website is a really clever means of getting shit out there, but it tends to spawn awful things such as t-shirts with rib-cages on them that cost 22 bucks. And a pointless load of EP's and independent films that are horrifying glorified and again very pointless.

Now, I realize that there is a market for interpretive dance about things people do in the city, but I just don't get the point. To me, there should be some ultimate outcome at the end of a performance. Something other than, "Oh, yeah, people definitely do those things in the city." An ending where everyone dies or moves to the country would be interesting, I suppose, but even then, I'm not the proper market for that, so I guess I can't really judge. I don't even like when a movie suddenly turns into a musical for one scene.

Please hear me out on this one, internet, but if you are creating mash-ups of the famous painting Starry Night, calling yourself an artist, and then pasting those images into a calendar, well, I guess this is pretty self-explanatory, but you are not an artist. If you sell meme shirts that you printed yourself, you are not an artist. If you stick on some big non-candy dots to your iPhone, you are a slave to Apple and you need to see that it isn't a good thing.

And number one probably appealed to you, but it's fake. Sorry, friends, but the hot cereal men are nothing more than bored college boys who still think that calling themselves hot when they aren't so much is funny. Once again, sorry.

Just Some Idiot Twenty-Something Chick

There's this tanning salon across the street with a now hiring sign on the door. I applied, and even went across town to speak with the manager, and yet, nothing. No calls.  She even said something along the lines of "I'll review your application and call you if I need to." Cool, not when you see it. Just whatever. Not like you're hiring or anything.

The fitness center across the street took my application, jerked me around for two weeks, with this "the manager just left" and "sorry, come back later" bullshit, only to find out that they don't have but two shifts available, and to "come back this summer when the college students are gone."

Subway isn't even hiring here, and the frozen yogurt place I applied at hasn't called back.

I'm trying to stay in the area because I don't have my own vehicle, but there is either nothing here or I'm just some dumb-looking twenty-something girl who isn't even in college. I have skills! I just haven't been working my whole life, or at least at enough places to make it look like I'm some damn workaholic puppet.

"Der! Lookee, I maka the job go good for you boss man! You likee me work hard like good monkey?"

I don't know what the world is looking for. It eludes me. If I'm doing something wrong, well, I wish somebody would tell me what, because I don't want to just be a cashier girl. I want to at least do something different for once. I also don't want to dance for money. I'm not talking as a stripper, but just as a 'model employee.' It would make me suicidal if I had to spend the rest of my life performing like a good little monkey for money's sake. It's useful, but not that important.

My Etsy shop is very close to being up and running. I just need my debit card from my new bank and I'll be set with that. Hopefully I'm not a failure at that. I don't know. Maybe I can just do that for now.

But currently, fuck college towns with a bunch of replaceable twenty-somethings.

Good Morning, Let's Start Over Tomorrow

Welcome to 2013, you potentially fat, lazy, potentially American blog viewer of mine. Welcome to the year some thought wouldn't ever come. It's late morning, or perhaps evening when you get around to this, and you've just popped some aspirin because last night we celebrated and it was super cool how Jessica did bong hits and keg stands and somebody streaked in the snow and 2013 started off so well. Until you woke up. And you tried to exercise but your head is spinning so now you're sitting on the couch under the covers listening to The Decemberists and trying to stay focused enough to write one fucking post for once.

Well. Maybe.

Maybe you're screwing around at work. In which case, quit screwing around. This isn't important enough for that. But if not, let's rap. This year you pledged to exercise or do diet better or whatever, I get that, but for those of you who drank themselves silly last night/this morning, I have a question. Is today a throwaway? You're probably pretty sore and tired and sick, so you can't get around to that routine til tomorrow. That's kind of weird, right?

I'm just dicking around right now, so I'm going to declare that this is the year of questions. Questioning authority, questioning the questioners, asking yourself stuff. Yeah. That stuff. Like, why did everyone just give up on Gotye? I liked his Making Mirrors album, even if his song Somebody That I Used to Know got super out of hand on the radio, and his other songs were really interesting. So what if everybody else likes the same song as you. If it's decent, catchy music, don't shit on it just because you remember it. I haven't heard anything about it since the noise died down back last year or whenever.

Also, what's with the underground 'anti-pants' movement popularized on Twitter? I really don't like wearing pants, but that's not because it's edgy or weird to take a stance against an item of clothing. They're just uncomfortable. I guess it's good that people are rejecting a rigid item of clothing for once. Maybe we can move past being frightened of nudity that past generations have instilled, for fuck's sake, but it just seems weird that people act like they don't like pants because it's cool.

Okay, I can't really think of any other questions right now, so, keeping with this unstructured mess, less talk about other stuff. Doug Stanhope is coming to the UARK Bowl in March, I do believe, and that's in Fayetteville, like three miles from where I live with Brandon. That's going to be pretty sweet. I've listened to every album I could find on the internets. Including the shit you can't get for free on Spotify. So that's awesome.

Whatever. I'm getting tired. I'm gonna try and write some stupid songs today, so let's conclude this weird dear diary entry blog. Have fun with your hangovers.